Thursday, 18 February 2010
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Snooping: It May Not Be What You Think
A friend of mine recently wrote a post about parents snooping in their kids' rooms. Her view of it varies greatly from mine, so I thought I'd add my two-cents in. You see, we have different experiences when it comes to parental snooping. And although my opinion is different now, I once was in exactly the same place as her.
I used to keep a journal and a poetry book when I was a teenager living at my Dad's. I had recently moved from my Mom's house, where nothing was ever private. She never trusted me, and I never trusted her. So, when I got to my Dad's house I thought it was safe to be able to write what I really felt in them. During that time in my life I was really depressed, and very angry at the world, and my controlling parents who guided it. I always wore really dark clothes, and participated in self-mutilation to release the mental pain I had. My poetry was really harsh and angry towards my parents, and at the time I hated my Dad... but I trusted him. So, one day I came home from school and I couldn't find my poetry book. I looked everywhere for that thing, but it was gone. I asked Dad if he had seen it, or knew where it was and he said no. So, eventually I just made a new one and forgot about it.It wasn't until years later, after I had moved out and was in the stage of liking him more as a friend than a dad, that he told me about that book. He said that he went through my journal and poetry book because he was worried about me, since I was so depressed and angry at the world, he just wanted to make sure I was ok. When he said that my heart dropped, because I knew exactly what was in that journal and poetry book. He told me about how reading that stuff really hurt him, and that he never intended to make me hate him, or to have me be so angry at him, that he was just trying to be the best father to me he could. His eyes started watering up, and he looked down at his feet. I instantly started balling. I couldn't imagine it ever hurting him, or that he would even go through it. But, it absolutely crushed me to know that I hurt him like that. Even now, five years after his death, I still wish I could take it back.
I know it may not have been 'right' for him to go through my writing, but in the interest of your children's mental and physical health, you'll do whatever is necessary. I understand that more than ever now. He wasn't a nosy person, not like my mother was. And even now, after he's passed away, and all these years later I still hate myself for what I wrote about him in there. I know I was just a disturbed and pissed off teenager, but he never deserved to have read that, and feel the pain that it caused.
I know that everyone's situation with their parents is different. Parenting styles are different, and the level of communication may not exactly be ideal. But your parents love you, and will always want to be active in your life, and know what's going on with you. If they feel shut-out, they'll try and find other ways to know how you're doing. Whether it be talking to your friends, your teachers, or even going through your stuff.
Give your parents a little more credit, usually they're just making sure you're ok.
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Comments (101)
once again, thank you :)
I agree. There are times, though that they can cross the line. The thing is to always remember that they have good intentions.
Seems like as we get older, we find out a lot more about our parents than we knew as a child/teenager. Both good and bad. But I think you're right...most parents are just trying to do what they think is right, even if we take it for granted at the time.
@Nellie0x - Thanks for the mini! The great thing about being young, and realizing what all your parents did for you, is that you get to spend the whole rest of their lives letting them know how much they mean to you. You're lucky, both of yours are still alive. : )
It makes sense. I would feel very invaded if my family read my journals...but I guess if I was really depressed or w/e then it would make sense, it would just SUCK
@TheSeventhRhapsody - True. It's very hard to keep perspective sometimes.
@snapeful - I was happy to write it, I miss him like crazy, and it made me remember some great things about him I thought I had forgotten. Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment! I really appreciate it.
I'm sorry your relationship with your father isn't so great. Maybe it's worth working on??
The fact is, I trust them, and they should trust me, I havent done anything to loose their trust, so I would take it as an insult. But I can see how they would be looking after me.
Good post!
"Even now, five years after his death, I still wish I could take it back." i actually started to tear up at this part.
It's so true.
My parents snooped through my journal and it ruined my life for a little. Not even exageratting, this is me talking six years later. They sent me to a shrink, where I was diagnosed with ADHD (which I don't even have, the shrink was retarded), depression, general anxiety, and social phobia. Having those labels as a 13 year old who up until that point, thought she was pretty normal, was traumatizing. Kids found out about me seeing a shrink and I was pretty much shunned. Thankfully I was in eighth grade and was graduating. Because I didn't fit in with anyone anymore, I chose to go to a school where none of them were going. It wasn't a very good school to say the least. I couldn't handle going to the school where they were going though. My parents took away EVERY SINGLE CD I OWNED because they thought my music was the "problem." It wasn't until my sophomore year of high school I was allowed to listen to GREEN DAY, and I didn't start going to concerts by myself until the end of my junior year. It sucked and I still won't forgive my parents for it even though "they were just protecting me." Them protecting me ruined my social life and it wasn't until seeing a shrink, who made me believe I had problems, that I actually DID develop serious problems with self harm and starvation.
So I don't really think it's ok for my parents to go through my things.
@SpazzyFantastic - <3. Mine.. it goes up and down. He's got some mental issues. :/ But thank you for the kind thoughts. :]
my parents weren't like that but i do know this poor girl and her dad put tracking software on the puter and would record her passwords and log in read her messages, her instant messages and log in and pretend to be her and talk to her friends. it was crappy.
i'm so glad my mom wasn't a snoop though she always kept a tab on me and my siblings at all time. she always asked us where we went and who we're going with. even now that i'm 25, she still does it and it just reminds me that she cares about my well being.
Well, snooping is good in a way, but it can get to a point where the parents are out of control. I watched that one episode of The Tyra Show where it was like extreme parent snooping that it gets creepy.
I still think it's a cop-out. You should be able to talk to your child about how they're doing. They should be that comfortable with you. If not, you're probably doing something wrong, even if they're angsty teenagers.
If parents have reached the point of having to snoop in their kids stuff, then they have already failed as parents.
i agree.
Great post. Â I was always paranoid about my mom reading my stuff, but I don't think she ever did. Â I hope I won't feel the need to do that to my daughter...because I could definitely see how she would feel like it's a violation of trust. :(
My mom has snooped and removed scissors and the like from my room :/
I know that it's really for the best, but it still makes me feel like my privacy was invaded.
Ive had about a dozen siblings and roughly 4 or 5 parent figures, I have never had privacy. What concerned me even more was the fact that it was practically impossible to find out who the culprit was, whether they had just gone through my stuff or had actually stolen something. Ive always kept my valuables within arms reach ever since.
if i have kids, i'll do exactly what my mom did , and go through their things (out of love and concern, not out of nosiness like i previously thought).. and my future kids will be just like me: a spoiled brat getting pissed off about violation of privacy
My parents never ever snooped through my stuff.
At 20, I can say there was never any point when snooping through my stuff would have ever been a good thing. Even when I was kind of going through a rough time and not talking to them I know they never snooped, and I'm glad they didn't because I needed to figure out stuff for myself.
My parents trusted that I could figure out my problems for myself and that if I couldn't I would get help. I think if they had tried to intervene and 'help' it would have simply made things worse.